HO-HO-NOT (or, The Christmas That Won’t Be If I Have Anything To Do With It)


For the last couple of years, Cordelia’s Mom has hidden in her own tiny, beaten-down house while her kids have spent Christmas with their in-laws and boyfriends’ families.  And that’s as it should be – who wants to be around CookieCakes anyway?

But this year, I’ve heard she’s planning a big Christmas Morning get-together, and every one of her kids and their spouses/boyfriends will be in attendance.

I was not invited.

But guess what? I will be there anyway.

ElfOnTheShelfYes, just like Elf On the Shelf, I will be watching the festivities.  Maybe I’ll hide behind the Christmas tree, maybe I’ll slip behind the couch, maybe I’ll dress myself as a poinsettia plant and sit in the corner, but I will be there.

Sure, you say – how can a full-grown adult hide in a very small house to spy?

Very simple:  Everyone believes I am merely a figment of CookieCakes’ imagination.  I am way more than that – I am the wind, the shadow, the essence of all that should be.  I may not be as solid in body as I would like, but I am a presence.

And I will be there. And I will make my presence known in a thousand subtle ways.

When CookieCakes gets distracted by unusual house sounds, and the muffins burn – I will be there.

When the bacon grease spills over onto the floor, and CookieCakes slips in it – I will be there.

When the tree lights suddenly become unplugged – I will be there.

When all conversation suddenly stops after that loud thump from upstairs – I will be there.

I will make the Cordelia’s Mom’s Family Christmas Breakfast a thing of the past.

And as a special treat to myself at this special time of year, I will adopt a new kitten and name it Not Cody, and raise it to hate silly, sweet puppies.

Let CookieCakes and her stupid dog beware.


[Anyone who wishes to comment may do so on this post, or you may email me at notcordeliasmom@aol.com]


Images by:  Shella C., and Dennis Goedegebuure, and Tomi Taplo K, respectively

This entry was posted in Blast that B*tch, That's Life (Or Not) and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to HO-HO-NOT (or, The Christmas That Won’t Be If I Have Anything To Do With It)

  1. Pingback: The Grumpy Alter-Ego vs. Christmas Joy | Cordelia's Mom, Still

  2. cgw629 says:

    Reblogged this on cgw629.


  3. Paul says:

    Ahha! I see you NCM! I blew up your picture to 400%, looked in the gold Christmas ornament , and there you were taking the picture. We’ve got your number now. All we have to do is carry a relective ornament around and keep peeking at the reflection – and there you’ll be! Kind of like ghosts that only appear in mirrors. Have a great Christmas! We’ll be watching.


  4. Excellent, Paul! I was hoping someone would figure out why I used that particular picture.

    I’m also happy that everyone is taking this whole thing in stride – I was afraid that this particular post might be a little disturbing to some of my readers. It kind of gave me the creeps just writing it!


  5. Pingback: BE MY GUEST, BE MY GUEST! | Cordelia's Mom, Still

  6. ~ Sadie ~ says:

    LOL!! Enjoyed this!! Hope the Christmas Breakfast went well!


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