For the last couple of years, Cordelia’s Mom has hidden in her own tiny, beaten-down house while her kids have spent Christmas with their in-laws and boyfriends’ families. And that’s as it should be – who wants to be around CookieCakes anyway?
But this year, I’ve heard she’s planning a big Christmas Morning get-together, and every one of her kids and their spouses/boyfriends will be in attendance.
I was not invited.
But guess what? I will be there anyway.
Yes, just like Elf On the Shelf, I will be watching the festivities. Maybe I’ll hide behind the Christmas tree, maybe I’ll slip behind the couch, maybe I’ll dress myself as a poinsettia plant and sit in the corner, but I will be there.
Sure, you say – how can a full-grown adult hide in a very small house to spy?
Very simple: Everyone believes I am merely a figment of CookieCakes’ imagination. I am way more than that – I am the wind, the shadow, the essence of all that should be. I may not be as solid in body as I would like, but I am a presence.
And I will be there. And I will make my presence known in a thousand subtle ways.
When CookieCakes gets distracted by unusual house sounds, and the muffins burn – I will be there.
When the bacon grease spills over onto the floor, and CookieCakes slips in it – I will be there.
When the tree lights suddenly become unplugged – I will be there.
When all conversation suddenly stops after that loud thump from upstairs – I will be there.
I will make the Cordelia’s Mom’s Family Christmas Breakfast a thing of the past.
And as a special treat to myself at this special time of year, I will adopt a new kitten and name it Not Cody, and raise it to hate silly, sweet puppies.
Let CookieCakes and her stupid dog beware.
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